Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. What do you think of it? What else are you interested in? Let us know: email@example.com.
Happy Birthday, Mr. President
President Trump turned 71 on Wednesday, and each late-night host had a different way of marking the occasion.
“Happy birthday to President Trump, who turns 71 today. So the president is a man in his 70s who wants a golf score in the 60s, his country in the ’50s and a wife in her 20s.” — SETH MEYERS
“The question is, What do you get the man who grabs everything for himself?” — TREVOR NOAH
“At the White House they had a little party for the president. They played ‘pin the blame on the press secretary.’ Melania jumped out of a cake and made a run for it. Vladimir Putin didn’t show up, but you know, he gave Trump his present back in November.” — JIMMY KIMMEL
“Seventy-one candles on that cake. Although Trump later said it was ‘over a million candles. Most candles ever.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT
Jimmy Kimmel realized that Mr. Trump could probably take care of wishing himself a happy birthday.
Samantha Bee Takes on Child Marriage Laws
Some of Samantha Bee’s best segments border on investigative TV journalism. On Wednesday’s “Full Frontal,” she revealed that no American state had made it completely illegal for people under 18 to get married. She closed the report on a wry note.
“I hope we as Americans can finally agree that no one who has downloaded a Fifth Harmony album in the past three years is mature enough to get married. And no one who has never heard of Fifth Harmony should be able to force her to.” — SAMANTHA BEE
The Punchiest Punchlines (‘Fair and Balanced’ Edition)
“Today President Trump said the G.O.P. health care bill that passed through the House was mean and difficult to defend. And then Trump said, ‘In other words, I love it. It’s perfect. Mwah.’” — CONAN O’BRIEN
“After more than 20 years — and this is real — Fox News announced they will no longer be using the slogan ‘Fair and Balanced.’ Yeah, I guess after all this time, they were just like, ‘Who the [expletive] are we kidding? Come on.’ There are some great new slogans that they’re considering at Fox. One is ‘4chan for Old People.’ Another one they have is ‘Ruining Thanksgiving Since 1996.’ And I think the odds-on favorite is ‘No Español.’” — TREVOR NOAH
The Bits Worth Watching
“The real news that day was people from the news covering people watching the news.”
From the size of the crowd, it seems as if Miley Cyrus’s and Jimmy Fallon’s secret got out pretty quickly.
What We’re Excited About on Thursday Night
The vocalist Lorde, pop’s most precocious 20-year-old star, has a new album out, and she’ll be on “The Tonight Show” to perform something from it on Thursday.
Also, Check This Out
The jury in the Bill Cosby trial is still in deliberations after three days. Here’s what they’re wrestling with.
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