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Ted Cruz’s Twitter Fiasco
After Senator Ted Cruz’s Twitter account liked a pornographic video, you knew he was going to be Tuesday’s late-night star.
“Someone discovered that Ted Cruz had liked a tweet from a porn account. Yeah, as you can imagine, that was one very embarrassing day for that porn account.” — CONAN O’BRIEN
“Senator Ted Cruz’s Twitter account last night liked a pornographic video about a woman who finds a couple having sex on her couch. ‘Ew, gross,’ said the porn stars after hearing that Ted Cruz watched them.” — SETH MEYERS
“When asked to comment on this story, Ted Cruz said, ‘Don’t come in here!’” — JAMES CORDEN
On “The Daily Show,” Trevor Noah said he wasn’t convinced that Mr. Cruz was the one who clicked “like.”
“Everyone watches porn, all right? It’s part of being a normal human being. Which is exactly why we know Ted Cruz didn’t do it. He’s pretending to like porn as a way to blend in with the rest of the human species. Nice try, Ted.” — TREVOR NOAH
Jimmy Kimmel took a slightly veiled swipe at President Trump.
“The video’s from a genre known as ‘stepmom porn.’ Well, he is a family values guy. But just think: If only he’d done something this perverted during the campaign, he might be president right now.” — JIMMY KIMMEL
Time on Her Hands
Jimmy Fallon says that in the age of Mr. Trump, it doesn’t make sense for a former candidate like Hillary Clinton to write books. Producing anything longer than 140 characters is no longer presidential, he said.
“Hillary Clinton’s book ‘What Happened’ came out today, and I heard that it’s almost 500 pages long. Unfortunately, the only person with enough time to read it is Hillary Clinton.” — JIMMY FALLON
“See, this is why Hillary lost: A real president doesn’t write books — they write tweets.” — JIMMY FALLON
Of Presidents and Pageants
On “The Daily Show,” the correspondent Michelle Wolf recapped the Miss America pageant, with one particular observation: Mr. Trump, no stranger to pageants himself, probably couldn’t win one. She pointed to Miss Texas’ swift and confident answer to a question about white nationalist violence at the rally in Charlottesville, Va., last month.
“How crazy is that? It took the president four days and three tries to give a [expletive] answer to that question. And Miss Texas nailed it in 20 seconds.” — MICHELLE WOLF
Ms. Wolf also called out the yodeling ventriloquist who was Miss Louisiana this year.
“Here’s my suggestion: Let’s switch the president with anyone from Miss America. I’d even take that weird ventriloquist lady as president. Because right now, all we have is the dummy.” — MICHELLE WOLF
The Punchiest Punchlines (Equifax Edition)
“Apple today unveiled the special-edition iPhone 10, which will have two hours more battery life, an edge-to-edge screen with super-retina display, and it will double check with you when you accidentally ‘like’ a porn tweet.” — SETH MEYERS
“In exchange for them telling you that they’ve messed you over, you have to agree to not sue them. It’s basically the corporation version of, ‘O.K., I’m gonna tell you something, but you promise you won’t get mad. You’ve gotta promise you won’t get mad!’” — TREVOR NOAH, explaining Equifax’s handling of a recent breach that appears to have compromised millions of people’s personal information
The Bits Worth Watching
What’s it look like when you put a bad loser in an ax-throwing contest?
Bill Skarsgard: terrifying since age 10.
What We’re Excited About on Wednesday Night
Just a few months ago, the former White House press secretary Sean Spicer was every late-night host’s punching bag. On “Jimmy Kimmel Live!” on Wednesday, Mr. Spicer will do his first on-air interview since leaving that post.
Also, Check This Out
Certainly you’ve been hearing about “The Deuce,” David Simon’s new HBO drama about the Times Square sex-work industry during the sordid 1970s. Here’s our recap of the pilot episode.
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