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Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. What do you think of it? What else are you interested in? Let us know: thearts@nytimes.com.
‘Give Me Your Wealthy, Your Rich, Your Huddled M.B.A.s Yearning to Be Tax-Free’
At Wednesday’s White House press briefing a reporter asked whether the Trump administration’s immigration policies were in line with the message of the poem emblazoned on the Statue of Liberty. The White House spokesman Stephen Miller said the work, by Emma Lazarus, “is not actually part of the original Statue of Liberty.”
Stephen Colbert said on Thursday that Mr. Miller was taking liberties with his interpretation.
“I have never seen a presidential administration refuse to fully endorse the Statue of Liberty. What are they gonna do next? ‘I don’t know, Liberty Bell? I like bells that don’t crack.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT
Then Mr. Colbert got in the spirit, donning a Lady Liberty costume to read off a new version of the poem.
“Give me your wealthy, your rich,
your huddled M.B.A.s yearning to be tax-free.
Send these, your English-speaking, fully insured, to me.
I lift my lamp beside the golden door!
And lift my leg upon your filthy poor.
P.S. No fatties, please.” — STEPHEN COLBERT
Should Sessions Be Scared?
John Kelly, President Trump’s new chief of staff, has been working to put the White House in order. That includes reassuring Attorney General Jeff Sessions, whom Mr. Trump has publicly criticized. But Jimmy Kimmel doesn’t think the reassurance was all that reassuring.
“The new White House chief of staff, John Kelly, called Jeff Sessions specifically to tell him his job is safe. So, uh, he’s fired, right? If I’m part of the Trump administration and somebody goes out of their way to tell me my job is safe, I’m on Monster.com the minute I hang up that telephone.” — JIMMY KIMMEL
State of Dismay
The transcript of Mr. Trump’s phone conversation earlier this year with Mexico’s president, Enrique Peña-Nieto, was leaked on Thursday, and he didn’t sound like he respected some American states very much.
“He called New Hampshire ‘a drug-infested den.’ New Hampshire says it’s furious, while Colorado says it has to find a new nickname.” — JIMMY FALLON
“Donald, you’re the president of the United States — it’s like being a parent: You have to love all the states equally. Even if one of them is Eric.” — STEPHEN COLBERT
“Don’t call it a drug-infested den! It’s New England — it’s a ‘drug-infested inn.’” — SETH MEYERS
The Punchiest Punchlines (Escape Edition)
“The president is about to go off on a 17-day vacation. Trump said he could use a little R and R — you know, ranting and retweeting.” — JIMMY FALLON
“You know what I just realized? If they find out that Trump did commit a crime, he’s the one American that can’t escape to Mexico.” — TREVOR NOAH, pondering the outcome of the special prosecutor Robert Mueller’s investigation into the president’s financial records
“The big announcement they were all excited about was that the governor of West Virginia, Jim Justice, was switching parties from Democrat to Republican. And Governor Justice has a lot in common with the president: They’re both former Democrats who switched parties because they love Donald Trump.” — JIMMY KIMMEL
The Bits Worth Watching
The Cardinals and the Cowboys most likely to …
The resemblance is uncanny.
Enjoy the Weekend
Next week, “The Daily Show” will feature five special presentations recapping the state of the nation six months into Mr. Trump’s tenure. First off is one titled “The Second 100 Days,” and on Tuesday there’s “The Russian Scandal: The Crème de la Kremlin.” We’ll be here to tell you about them.
Also, Check This Out
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Partners in Crime
There’s Dolby Cinema, Imax, or just a good old-school movie theater. With so many options for souped-up viewing, what’s the best way to take in an action film like “Dunkirk” or “Wonder Woman”? Our critic helps you figure it all out.
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